Despite her illness, it seemed as if she has moved on and accepted the fact that she was ill. She accepted the reality a long time ago that she would have to live until her death with her cancer. I don't know if I would be able to keep my sanity if I were in her shoes-I wouldn't be able to retain my fear of when death would appear around the corner. I wonder how she is able to deal with her reality. It hurts to see her take medications that won't be able to cure her illness completely. I never started the conversation about how she feels about her own illness because I felt as though that was too personal-even though I'm going to keep her anonymous. I only smiled and talked casually like with any of my friends.
I still remember when she heard her cancer spread and if she wanted to take chemotherapy. I was shocked but I knew I had to stay strong so I could reassure her that everything will be okay. I think she was able to move on and accept her illness because of time. She had a lot of time to really think about the situation she was placed in, and probably decided that crying over it wouldn't do much. There are also things she wants to do and accomplish before her death, and I think that is the main reason she continues to push herself to live as long as she can. Right now, I see her as a strong independent figure that continues to teach me the importance of living. When I watch her, or just talk to her, I always question myself if I'm really living my life to the fullest-whatever that means. If there's something I want to do before death, than maybe I should do it sooner than later. Watching her sometimes frustrates me-especially on those days I sleep in late and end up doing nothing productive. Having an ill person so close in my life makes me question myself if I'm making my own life meaningful at all.
She is definitly stronger than me mentally, but she's only human. I think cancer has made her more tired-and that shows human vulnerability. The fact that I can't do anything to make her feel better also shows how vulnerable I am as another person. (The same would apply to her doctors.) The fact that her cancer is most likely getting worse (despite her medications) shows her mortality as a person. It's scary, but watching her made me see visually how weak people are in general.
There's a few insights from other sources that applies to her. When the guest speaker came in class to talk about her husband's illness and death I felt uncomfortable because it reminded me of when she was in the hospital after her surgery (right now she's at home). The guest speaker said that she wanted 'the doctors to see her husband as a person-an artist,father,and husband-and not just a cancer.' Some doctors I liked more than others and I think her insight has to do with that. I liked a particular nurse because she was really sweet to me and her other visitors. I felt like she didn't see the patient just as a 'cancer.' There was a doctor I particualarly disliked because he just checked her and moved on-he was just doing his job. He was emotionless-and at the time I thought he was a complete jerk. From the book, "Mountains Beyond Mountains," I found it insightful that Dr. Paul Farmer honestly just wanted to make Haiti a better place and never put money before curing patients. Reading the book made me wish that there were more purely devoted doctors like himself-
(Megumi's Mom)
ReplyDeleteI thought your post showed your emotions and was a moving post in general. I thought you painted the person well through your perspective. I found the line, "Watching her sometimes frustrates me-especially on those days I sleep in late and end up doing nothing productive. Having an ill person so close in my life makes me question myself if I'm making my own life meaningful at all," very thought provoking ad grabbed my attention. I guess when people are healthy and not ill, people tend to value less about our lives.
Megumi - I found your blog post very captivating and personal. You really went into depth with your own feelings about what was happening. I liked that you connected it directly to the other sources used in this class. The line, "I was shocked but I knew I had to stay strong so I could reassure her that everything will be okay." It made me think about how whenever I am around someone who is very sick I often get more emotional than they are. It seems like the person who isn't sick is more scared than the person actually suffering. I enjoyed reading this nicely written story.
ReplyDeleteWhile reading your post two sentences really popped out to me. The first being "Right now, I see her as a strong independent figure that continues to teach me the importance of living." I was impressed by this sentence because it is very strong and powerful and I personally would feel great hearing this from a loved one it would give me the courage to keep fighting. The second sentence that popped out to me was "I was shocked but I knew I had to stay strong so I could reassure her that everything will be okay" This popped out to me because although your sad you know you have to stay strong for your loved one because the struggle is a lot harder for her. Your post was very inspirational and drew me in great job.
ReplyDeletewhen i read your post 1 sentence POPPED OUT TO ME.I WAS IMPRESSED BY THE SENTENCE BECAUSE IT WAS VERY STRONG AND POWERFUL
ReplyDeleteMegumi,
ReplyDeleteTo get right to it -
1. What did you mean by reassuring her that "everything will be ok"? Did you mean that her likely death of cancer can be accepted as normal process of the flow of nature - a sort of profound or mystical ok? Or did you mean that she would miraculously get cured? Or a sort of vague and dishonest superficial reassurance? Or some poorly-reasoned mash of those thoughts?
2. Is your decision to be yet another friend who doesn't frankly discuss her actual situation "strong" or "polite" or "damaging" and "betraying"? I mean the question seriously - it could be any of the above, depending on you, her, your relationship - and so I raise the question rather than making an accusation or assuming that your first thought must be correct.
3. What does it mean to live fully? I think, minimally, it means the courage to try to define what it means to live fully! Do you have that courage? Then attempt a tentative definition - we're trying to think together here, that's why people read your blog!